Adoption is NOT a once in a lifetime event!

When thinking about adopting, or thinking of adopted people, we need to re-educate ourselves when we think about the term adoption and it's lifelong implications. Sure, the adoption process is a one-time, often very drawn out and painstaking process of governmental checks and balances that require time, patience, money, and commitment. But adoption itself is a lifelong experience for those who adopt, for the entire adoptive family, and especially for those who are adopted.

Think about adoption as a uniquely active and iterative process that is lifelong. With an infant or toddler, you start off with simple terms and explanations to provide a life story: you read simple, age-appropriate books to your child about adoption, families who are comprised of unique adoption stories, perhaps simple ways of pointing out differences if this is an inter-racial or culturally diverse family make-up. When the child is of school age, you guide them through any questions that may come from their peers (such as "why do you look different than your mom or dad?"), advocate for your family's story in the school system and with educators as unique, but very normal, providing a soft, supportive landing space for your child's self-exploration. Be prepared to continue to talk about and celebrate your child's uniqueness whenever the topic appears. Provide them with structure and context so they have examples, resources, and become an open door, with a "no question is off the table" family rule...for everyone in the family, especially the adopted child(ren). You are providing safety in their minds and with their emotions so they know they belong.

By communicating to your family and yourself that you are an open book and have the ability to talk through any questions or issues that may trip up your family member in their daily life, you are normalizing that the decision you made to add to your family through adoption was the right one for all involved, even though you know there will be struggles along the way.

Most of our struggles came from the community we chose to live in (a highly Asian immigrant population), and the fact that the person in our immediate family who looks different is me, the mother! In fact, when my kids were small, I always reinforced to them that "if anyone gives you trouble about the way we look, send them to me since I'm the one who looks different." I felt like that statement, reinforced over and over again, gave my children the power to say "hey, if you have a problem with my mom looking different, go talk to her." And it reinforced that I was open to talking to anyone about our differences! I held no shame in the inter-racial make-up of my family, which began when my husband, who is Asian-American, and I (the Caucasian), married.

I continue to grow my cultural awareness of being Chinese through my husband, his family, and my own now adult children. In middle school, they informed us that they are "Whasian." They saw themselves as White and Asian, mixed together, which I never questioned (in fact, I was honored to be included)! My son colored/highlighted his hair blonde, which I took as a way for him to explore his Caucasian mother's roots (pun intended).

There were plenty of times when we were out in the community, let's say at a restaurant for example, when the host or hostess would try to separate us by our appearance to seat us separately. And there were times when we were seated with other "mismatched groups" based upon racial mixes. People will often make choices that they are unconsciously aware of. I would always take those experiences and point them out to my family, guiding my children to see how wrong that kind of thinking is and how it can harm families who are inter-racial.

We've had questions asked by the pediatricians in our children's health care settings about our kids' extended family medical histories, of which we know nothing (not because we don't want to know, but because Chinese law prohibits abandoning a child and results in harsh punishment by law). Our children's stories, as told to us through the Chinese adoption process and our American adoption agency, have always been that they were left in heavily-trafficked finding locations by police stations, or hospitals, where they would be found and handed over to local officials, who would in turn take them to Social Welfare Institutions. We don't know their birth family, their birth stories, the reasons they were given up, and learning about family medical history is obviously a dead-end.

One child has had dreams about his birth parents, while the other has not. We celebrate "Gotcha Day" the day our adoption agency representative arranged for the SWI to hand over our child, in various ways, letting our children take the lead, and we celebrate "Happy Adoption Day" each and every year. We hide nothing, are open to any question our children have raised on the issue, have handed over the clothing we received them in, as well as the Social Welfare Institute's "baby books", with photos of our kids from their time in the SWI, to each of them.

Their adoptions are their stories, and their family life stories are ours collectively. We've never felt the need to lie to anyone, and we've never felt the need to explain our choices to anyone either. This is simply how we grew our family, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Adoption is a lifelong journey, filled with questions, judgments, and sometimes insensitive questions often asked by people who feel they have a right to know the answer. We continue to support, love, honor, and cherish the two adoption journeys we are on in my family. And I would be happy to support and walk along side anyone who has felt the pain, struggle, and sheer joy of expanding their family by choosing adoption. It is a magical process that can be a source of great sorrow, heartbreak, headache, disappointment, majesty, and utter joy. Reach out if you feel I can be of help to you.